Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dear Jason

Dear Jason,

Thank you for being so speedy this year. The City of Wichita, City of Newton, and State Highway Patrol officers tell me they relished the opportunity to ticket one of our state's most notorious speeders. I'm told they set up several speed traps just for you only to be foiled over and over again. You really made them work for it and all 3 officers appreciated the opportunity to better themselves.

I also have to thank you for your generous cash donations to our fine state and various municipalities. Without citizens as rapid as yourself we may have to raise revenue through alternative means. I've already been shot down multiple times on my air tax proposal, so you can appreciate our dilemma.

I do have to warn you though, that our law enforcement officers are exhausted. If we are required to issue another citation for bravery on your behalf we will be forced to put you in Time Out for 30 days so we can get a breather. So until at least January 30th we'd appreciate it if you drove like a normal citizen. Here are some guidelines:

1) Drive at or 5 mph below the speed limit in the left-most lane. The ability to change lanes and keep to the right is an unrealistic expectation. Feel free to accelerate quickly or wave your fist in anger if another motorist attempts to pass you on the right side; after all you're the one in the left lane and you've earned it. Never relinquish the prize.

2) If you have difficulty merging onto the highway, feel free to come to a complete stop. Some think this endangers the drivers behind you but I disagree. Roll down the shoulder at walking pace while expressing your discontent at the very drivers you endangered.

3) While on the highway, feel free to vary your speed continuously. This keeps all other drivers on their toes. Cruise controls are difficult to understand and we wouldn't want to interrupt your cell phone call while you fumble with the buttons.

4) Conspire with other motorists to block all 3 lanes while on the canal route. Your impressive display of speed matching will surely amuse the audience gathering at the rear of your car.

5) While approaching an intersection in the right-most lane do not bother looking at cross traffic until you have come to a complete and full stop. When you feel comfortable doing so, and you have adjusted the heating/air-conditioning controls and adjusted the stereo, look to your left then right then left then right then left then attempt to pullout then abort that attempt when you suddenly notice cross traffic for the very first time. If the person ahead of you completes this same procedure and there is a mile between you and the next approaching car, ignore it completely until it is your turn.

6) When an ambulance is approaching on the opposite side of a divided interstate, immediately lock up your brakes and head for the shoulder. Ignore what all other drivers behind you are doing. After all, that ambulance, which is travelling at 75 mph may suddenly swerve across the median or burst through the concrete barrier into oncoming traffic to come to the aid of an invisible car in the lane ahead of you. Get over at ALL costs!

The above behaviors are NOT ticket-able and will help you blend in with the rest of the driving public in your city. I hope you will consider taking these courses of action in the short term.

Lean Mean Kathleen


Annie said...

Number 6 is definitely my favorite. Can't tell you how many times I've seen that.

Anonymous said...

So this is why people behave the way they do on the roads! They are being instructed to by our state... fascinating!


the next person blocking the left lane while doing 55mph in a 60 or better stretch or highway, I'm gonna have to push off the road.


Anonymous said...

All that you were dong was speeding. Who hasn't at some point in time done that?!?

Anyway, they need to spend more time looking for people who are driving without a DL because of DUI, DWI, ETC.

Oh, if you get any more tickets before your time is up, I know a good lawyer!!


Melanie-Pearl said...

sorry you're so close to getting put in time out. maybe the doctor could give you some anti-ds for 30 days...it might supress your urge to speed.

unfortunately, there is no hope for wichita drivers. everything you wrote is true. i can vouch for every one of them at least once a day. grrr.

Anonymous said...

Love the ticker!!


Anonymous said...

Speedracer-How much is this costing you? I'm thinking between the tickets, the possible DL revoke/ jail time, and the obvious stress on your mental/ physical health, speeding may not be worth it. You may actually live longer and have a greater influence on your wife & children if you slowed down. Just a thought from a concerned friend. Although, I am highly entertained by you.

Jason R said...

Hello, Concerned. Fair enough question. Look for a new post. I started to reply here but it got too wordy.